Healing a Broken Heart

"I loved her. She was the sunshine in my morning, the joy throughout my day, the star in my night. I mean, I thought SHE was THE ONE! How could I be so foolish? Without her, I simply can't see how to go on..."

"He was my everything. I miss his touch, his smile, his warm voice in the night. What will I do without him? My life is a complete wreck. I loved him so much! Without him in my life, nothing matters to me anymore. I feel broken and empty: a shell of my previous self. It's been weeks and I'm still crying about this..."

Is this you?

You feel this way, yet you know that the two of you can no longer be together....it just didn't work (too many fights, too much distance, some other problem). Whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved" has never experienced this feeling of loss. What I'm talking about is a broken heart.

I've had my own heart broken, too, so I have considerable empathy for your situation. The advice "take it one day at a time" often seems cliché. We think we've crossed the hurdle and are out of the valley of tears or sadness when suddenly we hear a song, see a movie, or have some other action or event trigger our memory of our past love. How does it ever get easier?

Here is what I've learned about overcoming a broken heart:

Step One:

Act proactively, rather than reactively. Allow ourselves time to process, grieve, or whatever else we need to feel from the situation. Go ahead and be angry if we have to. Do not project our anger, guilt, or sadness onto our ex, that will only create difficult feelings for both of us. But DO allow ourselves to feel the feelings. And be proactive in the process. How can we change our feelings from those of reaction to proactively making our life better? The feelings eventually do pass. I won't tell you how long it will take, because for some it takes days, for others weeks, for others years. However, we can accelerate the process by owning our actions and becoming proactive, rather than reactive.

Leave judgment to God or nature. The victim may stand in the best position to condemn the offender; however, by showing mercy the victim has shown true love. When we have a healed heart, our heart is no longer concerned with how we were hurt; rather, our heart is concerned with how to love. We must forgive the past and move on to loving our self and others again.

We must create a plan. How will we set boundaries with our former partner? How will we deal with anger when we feel it? How will we deal with sadness? How can we learn the most, then grow from this experience? When we write our plan down, we give it power. Then, when the challenges come up (and they always do) we can consult our plan, then take the action we've already determined will make us most healthy and happy, rather than just reacting any other way possible.

As we forgive, we will be forgiven. How can we plan to forgive without digging up the past? As we show mercy, mercy will be shown to us. How can we show mercy to others? As we have fun, with joy, kindness, and happiness, we will reap more joy, kindness, and happiness. How can we plan to begin creating this in our life again? As we live according to our PROACTIVE plan, we can begin making a difference again in a healthy and happy way.